Why did you come to Consciousness Studies? What was the process that got you here?

I went to UC Berkeley for a couple years, and was really frustrated with that form of education, because I felt like it wasn't supporting me to really learn and expand myself and be a beautiful person. It was more about fear and intimidation and competition. I really enjoyed the academics of it but I felt like my spirit was dying. I was so deeply unhappy--so I left. I went to a youth conference and did a workshop with Dennis and felt like he was really teaching about some of the stuff that I knew was there, and that I loved about the world--just seeing it as a beautiful unified organism, and I really felt like I needed that rounded picture again.

Before you got to Consciousness Studies had you been on a spiritual path?

I kind of dabbled in a lot of stuff. I have done a fair bit in Buddhism, different kinds of meditations. I did something where you choose a verse and say it everyday--I did that for about half a year. I found that all meditations were good, they all kind of got at the same thing, but I never really stuck with any particular one.

Do you still engage with those things?

No I kind of let them go, and now with Dennis I am doing the peace exercise at home everyday for fifteen to twenty minutes, because I really want a meditation practice, because I know how good it is for me--I have experienced it before.

How is what you are getting here different from what you were engaged with before?

One thing that is different is that some of the other things felt to me like they were trying to distract your mind from ever having thoughts--like saying a verse over and over is making sure that you have no thoughts in your head. This is more like accepting, like opening up the space and then a thought comes and then you acknowledge it, and that is really helpful--the process of acknowledging it. I have found that if I just try to keep them away they just keep coming back at me. So that is different and really helpful, this accepting. And more of the open space, but a little bit of structure to help you get through it. Like sometimes in zazen meditation in Buddhism you just sit there and let whatever thoughts come, and I tended to get really lost, because I didn't have something like 'peace' to come back to. I would just sit there and thoughts would come and it would be harder to remember to come back.

Do you think that in Consciousness Studies you are being given tools that are effective?

Definitely. I feel like I haven't grasped a lot of what he is saying yet. Especially the science stuff--I feel like it could be really effective, but I don't have a grasp of it enough that I could use it yet. The meditation is effective as a meditation, but it is also making a lot of stuff come out--my dreams are really vivid and intense, but instead of just being scared of them I am starting to understand what they are telling me and I am learning from that, and I think that this is partly from him speaking and partly from meditating every day and looking at myself and asking 'what's up toady?' and not just getting rid of it.

Do you feel that the things that you are getting in Consciousness Studies leave you free? Do you feel that the techniques or the things that are being brought allow you to explore in your own way, without strings attached?

Yeah, I definitely think that space is there, but I am also someone who doesn't mind jumping into what someone else believes, kind of like being a chameleon. So part of me wants to just get on Dennis' train--but he doesn't want us to do that at all, so he is definitely making that freedom--whether I want it or not I think that that is really there.

Has anything stood our for you so far in Consciousness Studies?

Yeah, like this morning about seeing the world as an organism and how things are connected, but also I like that it is really careful--he talks about fantasy. I think that's a really nice balance, and to not just approach it and go totally out there, but to have that consciousness that it needs to come back here. It's kind of like a whole big new soup for me, so it is hard to pick out specific things. It's totally overwhelming.

You said you were working with the peace exercise--are there other things from Consciousness Studies that you are working with? Not necessarily your meditations but just thoughts and ideas?

Yeah, throughout the day I am starting to notice my fixed and open gaze a lot. I am able to let things go away when they come up, like in the peace exercise, instead of getting scared of something and holding onto it, I can let it go.

How do you feel about the kinds of exercises he is bringing?

I feel fine about them--I don't really have any qualms. I feel like Dennis has something really neat to share, and that it is even difficult sometimes for him to put it into physical actual things, so I don't feel any criticism for whatever he chooses. I'm fine with looking at the button. I can feel like I can see where he is going and what he is getting at.

Have you had any insights into yourself that were spawned by being in class?

Yeah actually I had one this morning. I have a lot of bad dreams about education, because my experience at Berkeley was just totally filled with fear--that's what I had to leave, I was scared of not being good enough, of this of that, and last night I had a dream that was all about all those fears, and instead of waking up and thinking "oh what a terrible dream" I realized that it was showing me what my problem was with Berkeley and how to get over the fear and then be able to have a good experience of that, and that has totally come from these last couple weeks of Dennis saying what fear is about and how fear is connected to the lungs and not thinking you don't know enough, and I have asthma so lungs are a huge thing for me. It's always been a big thing for me--not being adequate.

Is there anything about Consciousness Studies that frustrates you?

I think that sometimes what is hard for me is the balance between seeing new worlds but not letting it be fantasy--that is a really scary thought for me. Like how to open up but how do we know what to open up to--it just seems like such a fine line that it is even hard for him to define. So it is kind of scary to open up because I am scared of like going off the deep end, so that is kind of a struggle for me. But no I don't have many frustrations with it.

If there was one thing you could change about Consciousness Studies what would it be?

I don't know! I feel like it is definitely a really neat thing that he has developed, and I don't even know enough about it yet to know what I would want to change, really. So far it has been just a really interesting new experience.

Have you noticed anything different in your relationships with other people since being in Consciousness Studies?

Yeah. I have noticed that I am not as attached to other people. I feel like I am coming into myself a lot more. Sometimes, I don't know, like fantasizing about the perfect relationship, or a perfect day, or just kind of going off into the future and holding onto some things that I am expecting--not doing all that as much, because they are always a disappointment for me. I am really coming in and just trying to be in myself, and also definitely trying to have less judgment with people I am frustrated with. I remember him saying where that judgement is coming from and to not go there as much where everything is "you're wrong and I'm right" and all that kind of stuff.

Do you also feel that your relationship with things in nature has changed?

A little bit--especially with trees. I'll be looking at them and I'll be amazed at what a total puzzle they are. But I also feel like where I was living before that there was so much more nature that here I feel like I'm not in nature as much.

In general how does it feel to be in Consciousness Studies? How does it fit into your perception of your own life as a whole?

Ideally I'd like to discover a lot about who I am out of this. Especially for me, having a Waldorf background, I have always seen the beauty in the world, but I would like to feel like I really have a grasp on that understanding so I can go out in the world where a lot of people don't and still keep that. More specifically I think that I would like to go back to Berkeley and understand all this stuff but be in that science world of 'this is different from that' but be able to keep my center and keep my love for everything, because I feel like sometimes the world kills that love for me, which is really scary.